You don't see it until you have to

I've had a lot of people ask me what the biggest thing has been that I've noticed in the last 11 years with Javad. I don't think they ever get the response they are expecting. They always wait patiently for me to say things like, "getting used to nurses in your house" or "the humming of the machines" or even "the constant consideration of health." Sure I notice those things but that's never what comes to mind. You know what does come to mind? Sidewalks. I think about them all the time.

Being in Illinois I didn't think I would think about them as much. I mean hell, for the first time it doesn't stress me out to be living on the Second floor WITHOUT an elevator. That feels weird. But I just kind of figured that I wouldn't notice the sidewalks when I wasn't thinking about if Javad could use them. Well, I was very wrong. Everyday when I leave my apartment I notice how broken up my road is and how dangerous it would be for him. Or I notice the lack of ramps that get on and off of the sidewalks. It's almost like the damn sidewalks are haunting me. I don't know what it is and I don't know why I can't stop thinking about it but nothing is accessible here. No wonder I haven't seen more then ONE person in a chair in the entire 10 days I've been here (cause trust me I would have noticed them for a mile away if I'd seen any others).

It's like there is this never ending monolog in my head "you should say something about the lip on this door," "how ever is someone supposed to get in here on their own without a ramp," "has no one in this town ever heard of an elevator." The list goes on. I feel like a crotchety old lady bitching in my head about how no one ever thinks about the one on wheels. Here I am writing a blog about being the one that walks and it seems like all I ever think about is the one on wheels. It's funny how that works. For the real first time since Javad was born everything doesn't have to be all about him and yet in my head it still is. I'm not sure if that will ever change... regardless, this is who I feel like:

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 But no one wants to show her how to find the damned ramp....

 

This town frustrates me, but almost more... I'd like to not think about how the wheels can get onto the sidewalk when I've got two legs that work just fine...